I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
