things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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