better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
