she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
