I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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