I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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