Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
