I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
