do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
