my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
