I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
