I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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