cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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