sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize