i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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