Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
