I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
