so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
