feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
