whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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