Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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