Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize