So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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