That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
