i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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