i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
