If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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