Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
