Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
