We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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