ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
