Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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