someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
