Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
