my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
cat food counts as protein by the way
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
