Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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