I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
