It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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