My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
