I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
