if you like me you must not know who I am
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
