I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
