he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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