his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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