I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
