"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
