Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
