If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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