Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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