Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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