hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
