last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
