maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
