I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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