If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
