RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
