there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
